Top Fifteen Things I've Learned in Morocco

(I swear, these are all at least half true)

1) Picking your nose is something to be done in the open, like fishing. It's ok to be proud when you catch a big fish.

2) Severed camel and/or sheep heads strung from an awning tell townspeople "Hungry? We have very fresh meat for you."

3) It's considered very offensive to eat with your left - i.e. my dominant - hand, as that is the one traditionally used to wipe your ass. It's a much bigger deal when everyone is eating from the same plate. While we're on hygiene...

4) If your waiter needs to remove your olive plate to make room for your kebab plate, don't worry about that half-eaten bread. He'll be happy to move it to your kebab plate himself to save you both the trouble of discussing whether you were done with that.

5) According to interested merchants and street children, I am alternately English, American, Australian and French. Never German, although there are tons of German tourists here. This disappoints me, as I speak much better German than French or Australian.

6) The phrase "you are welcome" does not always mean "you're welcome". Sometimes it means "I am being nice to you". The appropriate response is "thank you", to which will be replied, "you are welcome". And thus the cycle continues indefinitely, or until you are rude enough to break it.

7) People are not allowed to drink alcohol openly here, however, you may burp as loudly as you please. This amuses me most when old ladies do it while dodging me on the street.

8) You're not supposed to notice that your 70 year old cab driver is drying his Calvin Kleins on the dashboard. While we're on cabs...

9) All cab drivers here are from the Middle East, too! It must be, like, a THING.

10) Casual (or faux-casual?) photos of the king pretending to look surprised are on about half the billboards on town. There's not a word on them. My theory: it's an ad for Polaroid.

11) The sunset call to prayer is quite short, less than five minutes, and considering the boldness often displayed here, rather discreet. The 4am call to prayer goes on for twenty minutes and will rouse you from a Simply Sleep coma.

12) If you face your pigeon or chicken towards your body and stroke its neck and back lovingly, it will stay calm long enough for you to kill it.

13) Much like APD and soccer moms do in Atlanta, pack horses and donkeys always have the right of way.

14) Every time you think you see an American, it will turn out to be a Spaniard. Every time you think you see a German, you're right. Every time you think you see a Dutchman, check to see if he's part of a tour group before making an assessment.

And finally...

15) Never, EVER walk down the middle of a crowded walkway. That's where horses go poopie.