1) Elevators are a luxury. Treasure them as you would precious jewels, or children.
2) The Portuguese go out MUCH later than you do. Accept that, and go to bed early.
3) However you think the word "conceição" is pronounced, you're wrong.
4) Sardines don't taste as bad as you think. Actually, they're kind of good...like canned tuna, but a little stronger. A fun side effect is lethal sardine burps which ward off vampires and the British.
5) Pigeons are BACK! And they're pissed.
6) British tourists come in two types: timid, doddy old fart couples who complain that they can't get baked beans for breakfast, and 20-something wannabe soccer hooligans with mohawks looking to get fucked up beyond recognition.
7) Portuguese schoolchildren are never seen in groups of less than 20, regardless of the circumstances.
8) All streets and sidewalks in Lisbon are paved with tiles and cobblestones. While aesthetically pleasing, this will make you want to cut your feet off at the ankles with pruning shears.
9) An unfortunate side effect of hilltop castles is extreme wind conditions. Kings must have had bad hair like, all the time. I guess that explains crowns.
10) Here's a fun exercise: Go to a map. Pick any city in Portugal, large or small. Chances are excellent that the city you picked has more train stations than the entire US Northeast. Crossing the country will run you about three bucks. Oh, and the train system here is considered slow and primitive by snooty countries like France and Belgium.
11) As in Morocco, most women here are named Fatima. They even named a city Fatima. I don't even think it's a very good name.
12) "Portugal" comes from the ancient Roman name for the city of Porto: Portus Cale, which is Latin for "hilly, windy place that is obsessed with fish".
13) ATMs here dispense €10, €20 and €50 bills only. Most places of business have an irrational fear of any denomination larger than €5. This poses a real probleml for, well...everyone.
14) Do not, under any circumstances, accidentally lapse into Spanish when trying to communicate with a Portuguese person. They hate the Spanish and will bludgeon you unconscious with a mackerel.
15) Do not try to apply your newly acquired North African mad bargaining skills while buying toothpaste in a Lisbon supermarket. Homey don't play that.
16) You are allowed to walk along castle walls here. However, Moors and medieval Portuguese did not have the technology to build handrails to prevent your falling into the castle courtyard. They also did not erect signs to warn you of this, as that would spoil all the fun.
17) It's not considered rude at all to honk your horn incessantly on a residential street at 5am. Earplugs are a wise investment.
18) In 1494, Portugal and Spain drew an arbitrary line down the globe and each took half. Not knowing what the world looked like at the time, the Spanish got all the good stuff except Brazil, and Portugal got...Brazil. They are still really mad that they got hosed.
19) Port wine, a key export of Portugal, is made by adding brandy to wine, then boiling it down until it has the consistency and sugar content of maple syrup. In spite of that, it's delicious.
And finally...
20) In Portugal, shrimp are served with the tails removed but the heads on! There's nothing quite like buggy black shrimp eyes and antennae to remind you that you're eating sea roaches.
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